I'm no longer living with my parent, which is proving to be more difficult then I thought for. I live with Joe. He won't even talk to me about his problems... but the second I have something going on, he wants to know what's going on. He reads my texts on my phone, and gets mad about me talking o an ex boy friend of mine. But he "has" to talk to Brandi his ex because it's "unavoidable" when he goes to his parents. She's living there and she isn't even dating him. His mother and dad don't even know that I live here because he keeps me hidden. We can't go out in public too often because of us "hiding" the fact that were dating. sometimes i wonder if it's really worth all this trouble and all these headaches to be dating him. I feel like I'm hidden from everyone. His friends all think I'm just one of his play toys. he supposedly had multiple women in his life. And with living here, and it being winter, i feel like i'm just... trapped here.
I know i'm not, i can go home anytime I want to... but I don't want to leave him. I love Joe too much to go home. i feel empty when I'm not with him. Like there's something missing in life. It gets even scarier when I can invision him and I getting married. I can see me walking down the aisle to him, holding his hand, kissing him in front of everyone. Showing how much I truely love him.
Then, I get these moments where I get so damn mad and frustrated that I could jut kill him, or the dog, or the cat. Just... pure anger and hate. And I can't undestand hy i get this feeling. It's not even triggered by anything. I could justget irritated with something he said... then i'm off. Then I feel bad, and I try to apologize. and not a week after, i get mad again.
I try promising that I won't be too much like Brandi or Nicole... too clingy. And now I've come to realize that I have fallen head over heels in love with this farm boy bumpkin that my dad doesnt care for, my mom thinks is beating me, and my grandma... just looks at us and smiles. like she sees something between Joe and I that no one, not even us, can see. Maybe it's just because she's wiser then us. Maybe she can see into the future. Or, maybe she's just going senile. whatever the case... that's how she is.
I honestly love Joe to pieces; I just wis I could tell him all of this. it hurts not being able to tell him this kind of stuff. and it's frustrating. I honetly think maybe I should just go home to my parents house for a night or two. See what comes of it. But I'm not sure yet.
does this not look like pure bliss? Honestly, I wish this is how all life was. Just lay in bed all day long with the person that you love. No fighting, no arguements. Just pure, honest love. I think people in this world have lost the true meaning of love. Not sex, but love. This is what I want for the rest of my life, and it makes me happy... why can't show it?
2 comments:
I think that that might be helpful, just take a couple days away so that you can think unclouded thoughts for a bit to try to make a decision...... and wow i didn't know he was such a furry guy lol
I think ill start trying to call more often, i know i can when I get to the college again, what with the fact that I'll be in area then and all.
but yeah, take a chill for a while and just think, that's the only advice I got
beth... you have some real good insight. my mom said the same thing. So, i'm guessing you can tell just from the way I was writing that my thoughts are a bit clouded? It's gotten better though. 'll read this in a week and be like, wow... what was I on? lol.
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