Since last time...

Many things have happened since the last time I have been on here.

September 5th
I went down to Watkins Glen. I went down with My mom, dad, Jill, and Vivi. When we got down there, I went down to the Mr. Chicken restraunt where my friend gina works. Went and got fries and a piece of chocolate peanut butter pie. Vivi went with me, which was a suttle reminder: Do you really think your ready to handle a kid by yourself?
After that, we went back up to where we were gonna sit, and watch the race. Joe called me, and I met up with him shortly after he called. We watched the rest of the race together. After the race was done, we went wondering around. It was definently a nice night to walk the streets of watkins. I ran into my cuz amanda and her fiancce Clair (yes, it's a boy!). We talked to them for a while, introduced them to Joe, then after a bit they had to get going. Joe and I headed back down towards my parents and got my dad some food. After that, we walked past Mr. Chicken, down a side street and back up towards town on the back street. We walked and takled about everything. It was nice. We got up to where they're were bars and restraunts. We spent most of the night listening to music and holding each other.
The interesting part about that one was... what was said about a certain topic. I told him off handedly that my mom and I had talked about marriage. I had been called Mrs. Baker (joe's last name) and I kinda tweaked out a little bit. My mom asked "what would be wrong with being married to Joe?" and I really didn't answer her at the time. Here's what I told joe would be wrong about it.
" I don't like being called Mrs. Baker because I don't know if it would ever be true or not and what's the point in getting my hopes up for something that may never come true?"
Joe's response:
"It'll happen. I just don't know when right now. Because I won't be around all the time. I'm gonna be gone, and then you might be leaving for Border Patrol. I don't know when it'll happen, but..."
Now, What does that sound like to you? Kinda sounds like a proposel to me... or a pre-proposal??? Not sure.

September 6th.
Went and got another tattoo. Joe took me up to get it done. It hurt really bad this time. like the worst part was on my actual shoulder blades. But, it's done, and I'm happy that it's one. i might have more done to it eventually, but for now i'm happy.
I went to see Gina at her house too. Took french fries to her. Then her dad showed up. He likes Joe a lot and thinks Joe and Gina should get together. Well, he stopped thinking that when he saw Joe and I holding each other. We hung out around the shop for a while then came back to my house so I could get dressed up. We were going out to dinner with friends from college. But not just any friends... Beth and Max! Which made my day happy. Beth and I hadn't really lost too much contact during the summer, not like me and everyone else from the group. Beth had invited Joe and I up for pizza, which is more then anyone else from that god forsaken school has done. So... went and had dinner. Good dinner too!
I also saw matt that night. I forgot how much I missed him! He came into Beth's room and kinda ignored me for a few minutes. Then Beth said something to him, and looked up and says "KAT!!!"... Response "MATT!!!" so.... we had a happy "i missed you!" hug. then I showed him my tattoo. And the most unimaginable thing happened. He smacked my back! Right on the tattoo! He had a good laugh about it. His brother's had done it to him when he got a tat there, so... he had to spread the love. Joe had gotten really upset about that too. Just because he knew that Matt and I had dated, Joe was a little touchy about the whole hug. But now that matt had hit me, he was on the verge of busting a skull.
Joe and I left after a little bit. We went back to his house, and went upstairs. We had a small talk about trust. He doesn't really trust me to be here by myself when he leaves for work. He's afraid that I'll run around on him and cheat on him with David Howell or this pipeliner Kasey. And i really don't trust this Nicole girl that he has been screwing around with. Well, that night... we both put our troubles to rest. I still don't trust Nicole, but I believe Joe. and He doesn't trust those boys, but believes me when I say I won't run around on him.

Anyone think this is weird???

Btw... rape, apartments, weed, alcohol, and... ocho?

I know what your probably thinking. I've been a dumb ass yet again! This probably won't be as well written as usual. I have nails on right now, and it's difficult to type.

Tuesday, August 5th.
I went to a party at apartment number 8 in Skylock. Courtney, Gina, and I had bought a 30 rack for this party. Smart one, right? We got there. 3 guys there:Chris, Jason, and Kasey. Chris was courtney's "thing". These guys are pipeliners. Courtney and I split the 30 rack. Gina spent the night in Kasey's bedroom. I had called Joe earlier to see if he wanted to come by and hang out, because I thought that if he was there, I would end up with him instead of Jason. Joe never came. I slept on the couch with Jason. I thought nothing of it till he started reaching his hand down my pants. I told him no, but he kept going further. He rolled me over so I was on top of himk. He took my pants off. I kept saying no, but I giggled, so must be he thought I was joking. All this time, Courtney and Chris are on the floor next to us. Jason rolled me over after he hit me because I wouldn't fuck him. Got on top of me, and went to town. He had no condom. He pulled out before he "let go" i guess. But I was so upset about the entire thing. I went out to the truck and called Joe. He never answered. I left a voice mail tht I don't remember. The next thing I remember, Chris is standing over me telling me that we had to go. They were leaving for work. I had falen asleep in their door way. We left, and Joe finally got a hold of me. I told him what happened, and that I reported it to the police. They can't do anything because Jason was gone the next day. Joe feels guilty about it because he was sleeping and I had said that I didn't trust the guys there. Now he thinks it was his fault. He spent friday to tuesday pretty much up my ass.

Wednesday, August 13th.
I went over to Seana's house for the night. It was Dougie's 21st birthday. We bought 3 30 racks, which I ended up selling two to doug. I gave Amanda and Kaitlin five bucks so they could buy weed. I ended up going up to the car with them and smoking a joint with them. Which was a first and was kind of fun. I went back to the party, go ton the boat and went out into the middle of the lake with a bunch of people. We had the thirty rack gone between me, seana, and ashley. I went swimming in my clothes, which was an amazing feeling. I went to bed, but kept getting woken up by different people. Came home the next morning, still feeling a little drunk. Joe was going to drive by the party just to make sure i wasn't there; he never went by. He had gone to the bath fair.
Gina and I ended up going to the bath fair the next day, which was fun. I saw amber wax (aka squeakers!) there. Hung out with her for a while.

Now....
I know what your thinking. i'm a dumb ass, right?

Well, i think it's because I'm living at home for now. Which is gonna change cuz I'm getting an apartment soon. Hopefully. With gina. Which will keep me outta trouble.

p.s. Ocho means eight. I was fucked in apartment 8, so I'm "associated with the ocho." Not that I want to be!

More Basin Bull shit.

Seriously? Brittany has been telling you all this shit? OMG! WHAT A... nevermind. I'm not getting into it over the computer. She's been telling me about everything that has been going on between Joe and Nicole. I think She's doing it just to piss everyone off. I can't believe how stupid she is.If you see brittany before I do... tell her she better watch her ass. Seriously, she sits there saying "your my big sister." And shit like "i'm not lying. Even ask Kyle." I've had enough of it. I don't care that i'll be 20 soon, I will straighten her out about this shit. I'm done with it.BTW, thanks for taking the time to hear me out about whats going on down on my end of this situation. Talk to you later.

----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Courtney..Date: Aug 13, 2008 2:00 PM

I don't care if your friends with him. And you should know were the rumors come from. They always come fromthe same person. My sister was still worried because well everytime she's gone for a long period of timejoe hides her stuff in his truck, like her cd's and whatnot. I just think it's bullshit that the rumors wont stop. Like brittany called nicole one night and toldher that you and joe were at walmart together holdinghands and shit, which I also found out wasn't true. I don't know, everyones saying shit trying to get nicoleand Joe apart, and in this kind of situation it's hardbelieving anyone, because feelings get mixed in with thewhole thing. Been there done that. lol But to tell youthe truth nicole didn't fuck joe at Evan's until likethe 3rd time everyone had hung out there. Evan's my boyfriend, and the only way other people were fucking at his house is if he was drunk. And so was everyone else.I don't know, I guess brittany keeps saying shit to mysister, and it's really starting to bug her. But brittanywell we wont get into that. I definately have a betterunderstanding now. Talk to you later.

----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Done with guys? Not yet... ..Date: Aug 13, 2008 10:48 AM

I understand that your sticking up for your sister. That's what sisters are supposed to do. But honestly, I'm not fucking Joe anymore. I seriously want to know who is telling you that bull shit. Seriously. I've been done with him like that for a while. After I found out that he fucked your sister at Evan's, I said I was done. The only reason I've been hanging out with him lately is because he's my friend. Or is he not allowed to be my friend anymore? Because if he can't be friends with me b/c no one trusts us... that's bull shit. I've been friends with him longer then you guys. It's not fair if I can't be friends with him because of that.

----------------- Original Message -----------------From: ..Courtney..Date: Aug 12, 2008 12:36 PM

I was just wondering if you and joe werestill together, fucking or whatever you wantto call it. Because if you are you should knowthat he has been with my sister, and I don't really think it's right that he's pretty muchplaying you and her. She keeps hearing shit that he's still fucking you, and everyone istelling her that. and what not. it's bullshit.So either you need to step up, and tell him tofucking lay off. Or I'm going to talk to him.and it's not going to end the way you or my sisterwants it to. I'm not trying to be a bitch, and Iknow I may be coming off as one. But I'm not goingto sit back and watch my sister get hurt becauseof you. I think it's a little ridiculous that youstill stick with him, after all the shit thats goingon... that really shows how much self respect youhave for yourself. So do what you gotta do, or I'lldo it for you! peace.

I think there is more to come after this. But honestly, I lied to Courtney. This is Nicole's little sister. I pulled a "Joe" move. He basically denies anything and everything that is going on between us. Just so no one gets hurt. But see, what he doesn't relize is that it does hurt someone... me. I get hurt when he denies this kind of crap. And honestly, I can't get past the fact that Brittany can sit in her own little world and keep telling people this bull shit. I told her that thinking that

The shit is about to hit the fan... BIG TIME!

I have had to deal with a lot of shit since I left college. I had this amazingly loving boyfriend, named Joe. He was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I get home from college, he gets back from a vacation. He calls me, alot..., and my mom says that we need to talk. The 4 of us sit down, have a discusion, and Joe and I can date. That's good for about a few weeks. Then, he refuses to actually break up with Brandi. He said they were done, and I should believe him.

Needless to say, he started spending a lot of time at the Basin's house. One in particular must have caught his eye. Nicole. I was worried about Jessica or Courtney... not nicole. She's really large... like i think bigger then me. But i don't know why he cose her. Anyways, they had sex in a swimming pool. As in, Joe and Nicole. Well, joe had been trying to deny it for the longest time. He finally admitted it once.

The moment was PERFECT! Right when he pulls over on a busy highway, he starts telling me how sorry he was. He said that it had been a fling and that the reason that he's up there all the time is because he is too drunk to drive home. I know better! He never drinks too much. I'm the dumb one to do that.
Anyways, he told me that he loved me. No matter what happens between us, and where we end up... he'll love me. probably just in the brother sister way. And I don't even know if that's true. till now.

Last monday night, i went out drinking. Normal night, but Joe had seriously pissed me off because I played a joke on him. I played a joke, and it pissed him off. I tried to apologize, but he said he didn't care, he didn't want to talk to me because he was with his girlfriend nicole. Well. I got extremely pissed off, and decided the best thing to do was to drink. I drank a lot that night. When I finally woke up... I was in the ER at penn yan hospital.

The diagnosis... Death.

kid you not... i was dead... for 2 minutes. I had stopped breathing at the party, was found in a friends car, and taken to the hospital by said friend. When I got there, they had to use the AED pads on me, and it took a few tries... i guess. Wasn't really around for it... i heard this all second hand. I got out of the hospital... leaving my cell in a friends purse. I went to the mall with Gina, then went to work. my friend dropped my phone off at work for me... and told me she had texted joe.

The text said : "Not the you'll care or anything, but kat almost died last night. She was at a party, pissed off at you. She drank a lot, passed out in my car. I went to check on her, and she wasn't breathing. I took her to the hospital. She was dead for two minutes. I bet you if she had died last night, you wouldn't even have been phased! This is all your fault!"

He never got it, he heard it from Nicole, that heard it from brittany. He was worried, so he called me while i was at work. I told him what happened. Then I said that he wouldn't have cared anyways. Well, i hung up the phone with him... and hadn't talked to him. Till sunday night.

I was coming home from work, and he drove passed me, then turned around. He stopped next to me. I got into the truck and we went down to watkins glen to hang out in the walmart parking lot. He basically just wanted to check me over to make sure i was ok. I don't understand why. He acts like he could care less what happens to me. He told me that he wasn't dating nicole. And that he had finally told brandi to get her shit out. Good news? Not sure yet. Well, him and I fell asleep in the parking lot. Woke p monday morning, went down and talked at the crossing, then came back to dundee. Well, the story doesn't end here... sorry

I told Brittany about what happened. She has been telling me over and over again that joe is dating nicole. Well, brittany finally asked nicole what was going on. I guess joe and nicole really are just a fling. They're not dating. Joe was right. Still doesn't make it right. Brittany was trying to get a ride down to dundee for the night, and she called joe. She told joe what I had told her. Joe got mad and called me. He yelled at me for telling brittany, and that he had had enough of me telling everyone what happend between me and him. I told him that he was right, and that I shouldn't say anything. I tried to apologize, but i think it has fallen on deaf ears. So, it'll probably be a week or so before I hear from him again. He knew I was at work when he called to talk to me before coming into to town. He was gonna stop by the sugar creek to come get me. Cuz he was bored. well, too damn bad. I don't want to be his thing anymore. I'm truely thinking of giving up on guys. This probably won't be the last time I rant about Joe and me. That's the sad part. Comment? Questions? Concerns? Post them!

P.S. Beth... death doesn't have braces, just a shit load of rum! And If you want to know, I can't tell you what was on the other side... lol. I had a dream that i was still at the party, and Joe showed up and was mad that i was drinking. I went to run away from him, and I got hit by a car. Then I woke up in the hospital bed. Weird, eh?

Awkward feelings

I have mixed feelings right now. First, I feel like I want to be with Joe for forever. Then, he does something completely stupid, like goes drinking with a bunch of shady characters. I mean, I should have seen that coming.
And of course... I have two songs to dedicate to him... the first is Apocalyptica featuring Cristina Scabbia..... S.O.S. (Anything but Love)

Bound to your side and trapped in silence
Just a possession
Is the sex or only violence
That feeds your obsession

You send me to a broken state
Where I can take the pain
Just long enough
That I am numb
That I just disappear

So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
Tell me I asked for it
Tell me I'll never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love

Does it feel good tonight
Hurt me with nothing
Some sort of sick satisfaction
You Get from mimd fucking

Oh stripped down to my naked core
The darkest corners of my mind are yours
That's where you live
That's where you breathe

So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
Dare me to leave you
Tell me I'd never forget
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love

Without any faith
Without any light
Can dare me to live
Can dare me to lie
Inside I am dead

So go on and fight me
Go on and scare me to death
I'll be the victim
You'll be the voice in my head
You could give me anything but love
Anything but love

The next one on the list is Sugarland.... Stay

I been sittin' here staring
At the clock on the wall
And I been layin here praying
Praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be beggin you baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my heart on my sleeve
Oh for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying

What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me

Why dont you stay
Im down on my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay

You keep telling me baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used
And I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share

Why dont you stay
Im down on my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay

I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So the next time you find
You wanna leave her bed for mine

Why dont you stay
Im up off my knees
Im so tired of being lonely
You cant give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I dont have to live this way
Baby why dont you stay

So, this is basically how I feel about him right now. It's awful...

OMG!!!

So, I just got into watching this series on CMT called "Can you Duet?". Well, they just announced the winners and I am so damn excited that Caitlin Fisher and Will Snyder won it. They were put together by the judges. And they looked like they hit it off from the beginning. Needless to say, their one performance that hit me the hardest was they're rendition of "Like We Never Loved at All" by Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. I have the link to the video... and hopefully it will be added to my blog.
http://www.cmt.com/videos/misc/239169/can-you-duet-110-performances-caitlin-will-caitlin-fisherwill-snyder-like-we-never-loved-at-all.jhtml

#1

So, this is the first time I've ever blogged before. I have never had the need to. I was using a different website for this. But when life got too complicated to explain on that page, and feelings were hurt and crushed, I changed. My friend actually told me about this website. I had never needed something like this before. So... hopefully this will stay a little more private then the other one!